Twinnies

A few of my favorite shots from a shoot with Heidi and Heather the other weekend. Portfolio shots for Heidi's design work, and Senior Pictures. Can't believe they graduate in about a month! 

10.10

That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds;24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfullyto your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Growing Pains & Loss.

If you were to look back through my old posts and ramblings, roughly 86% of my posts hover around transition. Around times of change and growth. And while that may get repetitive and boring and you (all two of my readers) may be wondering why I can't just move on, I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. 

I'm never going to stop growing. If I stop growing, I'm dead.

And yes, a lot of the growth I'm experiencing means learning and re-learning and re-re-learning the same lessons. But those are the hard lessons, the ones that sound sweet when you speak them into existence, but are a bitch to really learn. 

It seems like every time I blink I have a new lesson to learn, a new area I need to grow in. And every other time I blink, I'm being reminded of those lessons and that I'm still learning. Growth is a process, right?

A huge area I'm being challenged over and over again in is with relationships. Relational growth is beautiful and wonderful and so fruitful, BUT SO PAINFUL SOMETIMES. Sorry for the capslock, but that's a curse of my twitter-happy generation and how we express ourselves. Just be thankful I can't insert emojis in here. 

Wait, what was I talking about?

Right, relationships. Childhood friendships are the best, they're built into every area of life: school, activities, neighborhoods, your parents' friends. It's convenient and awesome. High school gets tricky because of certain factors (read: BOYS) but still so convenience based. I mean, between classes, dance and youth group, I had automatic friends for whatever I was doing. Some of those friendships go the distance, while others drift away after graduation.

College, you're on your own, but surrounded by literally hundreds of potential friends. You spend four years constantly making new friends. Some are your forever-and-ever, home team friends. Others are great for a season and easy to [mutually] walk away from. And then there are the ones you think will last forever. You plan on being each other's bridesmaids, taking trips together, what it'll be like to have kids and jobs and how different life will be, but how your friendship will last. And then it doesn't.

Losing friends is a hard thing to grasp. It's something that doesn't happen all at once, but gradually. You move away, your priorities change, you drift apart. It's completely natural, but no matter how many people warn you, you'll never be prepared. You can cling so tightly to those relationships, but if they are meant to be forever, they'll be forever. Yes, they take work, but equal work from both parties--you'll strangle your side trying to hold on if they don't reciprocate.

Relationships are something we put so much into. So much of life involves interacting with other people. The Christian life is something lived in community. But relationships are not a static thing, they are organic and natural and constantly changing. Relational growing pains are so hard, but produce such beautiful fruit. (I promise I'm not talking about marriage and sex and babies here, I'm being much more metaphorical than that...Promise)

24 is a weird age and a weird place in life. "Your 20s" looks different for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US. Our growth looks different, our challenges are different. We hurt differently, but we need each other so deeply, so desperately. Community, y'all. It's a buzzword for a reason. 

I'm never going to stop growing, and while I hope I finally learn some lessons, and that those lessons resonate deep, I also hope that I continue to be challenged. I don't want to grow stagnant. I don't want to stop growing. 

This probably makes no sense, but I'm just realizing lately how hard friendships can be, how hard your 20s can be, and how beautiful it can be if you keep your head up and stay strong. I've lost some wonderful friends, but have made some incredible new ones. There is an ebb and flow to life, and it's probably best to go with the flow and let yourself grow. 

lately

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about joy. About what joy really is, what it really means to be joyful, and how my joy is different than anyone else's. We are all unique creations, and therefore experience joy in equally unique ways.

Joy has been on my mind because I have been lacking it, lately. I can feel it, deep down, like a tiny drum beating. But in the last month, that drum has gotten quieter and quieter, with the beat slowing down. My joy has been dwindling, and I've been wondering why.

Actually, I've known why. But I've been wondering why I've let it get so bad. Here's what I've realized:

I quit my job yesterday. It's no secret that I really did not like that job. "Really did not like" isn't a strong enough phrase, if I'm honest, I really hated it. More then any job prior. Every little thing about it added up to be this beast that I couldn't tame. This beast that I couldn't beat or befriend. This beast that stole my time, my energy, my joy. It crushed my spirit and made fun of the remnants.

I know, I know, it wasn't really that bad. There wasn't one major thing that made it so terrible. I tried to like it, and when I couldn't like it, I prayed for it to be my mission field. Because obviously, if I was in that position, then God had me there for a reason. But I don't believe that the reason was so I could evangelize and convert every single employee there. That would have been incredible, and the Holy Spirit totally could have done it, but I really don't believe that was it.
I believe I was there, for a brief time, to be a small light in the darkness. To be kind and loving to customers, to be kind and loving to coworkers. To have grace in the face of rude comments, angry rants, gossip and slander. Not to reprimand, but not to participate. Sometimes I failed at that, but I tried. I tried to be respectful, in an effort to remind those coworkers that everyone deserves equal respect. I think a lot of my efforts fell on deaf ears, and by the end, I stopped engaging in certain conversations, knowing whatever I said would lead to yet another "joke" in a string of rude, disrespectful comments. By the end of my time in that position, I stayed quiet, and I prayed. It was all I could do.

My last day was Saturday, and I really feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I am free. And while it may feel overly dramatic, I have felt so weighed down, so out of sorts, so joyless, that walking out the door after my last shift was a huge breath of fresh air--it took everything in me not to dance and cheer on the way out.

Today in church, Britt spoke about being led by the Holy Spirit, and how often, God is found, heard and speaks in the most ordinary moments. He doesn't always speak to us loudly, or lead us into big, crazy things. He entrusts us with little things, because he who is faithful with little will be entrusted with much. We need to be patient, to seek the Lord, to delight in Him, to ask questions and wait on His timing.

I know that God could have done radical things through me at this last job, had I stayed. But I know that He loves me, and that He doesn't want to see me hurting. That job taught me things, and through it He broke me of some idols I'd been clinging to. But He's brought me out of it, and I'm about to step into a new job, a new setting, and I'm excited. Excited for something new, but more so excited for what God will do in, through, and around me in this new place.

A weight has been lifted, and I feel the drum beating faster and faster, louder and louder. I am being refilled, restored. He who began good works in me will be faithful to finish them. God only makes beautiful things, and he is continually rebuilding and restoring us into the beautiful creations He envisioned. I am being filled. I am being consumed by Him, by grace, by joy.

seasons

Sometimes life is hard, it's hard to trust that God is with me. Sometimes it can be really, really hard. Really lonely. Exhausting, trying to have hope and faith.

It can be hard to remember that God is truly good. Not because of anything He does, but because the noise of the world can be so much louder than His still, small voice.

From the outside, life looks good. Full time job, above minimum wage pay, loving home, caring friends. I have my freedom, more than so many can say. I have a roof over my head, more food than I could ever need. I'm good.

But I think because so many things are seemingly perfect and good, I expect everything to be that way. I have grown selfish, expecting more than I need. Expecting everything to be perfect. I want what I want and expect to get it. I expected to get a sick job right out of my internships and then to make enough money to get an apartment right away... but I forgot something.

I forgot that life isn't about me. The world doesn't revolve around me. Things don't exist just to make me happy. I'm not the center of the universe, making myself happy isn't the point of my existence, or anyone else's existence. It isn't about me.

Life can be hard, and I'm realizing that it's ok if life is hard. My life may look fine, but it can be hard. We all experience our own hardships, and that's ok. It's ok to feel what I'm feeling, to struggle. I shouldn't feel guilty about being upset with how life is going. I need to let these growing pains come and I need to work through them. If I want to live my life for Jesus, in step with the Holy Spirit, then I'll continually be growing. And growth requires growing pains, and that's ok.

There's a time for laughter and joy and easy living, and there's a time for mourning and growing pains and tears. No seasons is exempt from either, and there is a beauty in all of it. The beauty that Christ is with me no matter what, even if I can't hear Him. No matter how far away I turn, no matter how far I fall, He's there. No matter what, no matter what season I'm in, He's there. My comfort. Always.

So here's to a season of growing pains, of letting go of bitterness and false expectations, of surrendering the idols I've made of career and success, of trusting the process, and of clinging to Jesus.