once again

I'm not even going to talk about how bad I am at blogging. I start to blog consistently, then I realize half the time I'm not saying the cool and profound things I want to be saying, and the other half of the time the things I am saying aren't nearly as cool and profound as I think they are. Then I try to sound cooler and more intelligent and wittier and I end up sounding like a trying-to-be-trendy-and-hipster-wannabe. Like I read one too many Shauna Niequist and Donald Miller books and now think I need to write just like them, but I can't.

I should just write like me.

Actually, I shouldn't write like me. I should just be me.

By being me, my blog will be a product of me. I won't be trying to make it more than it is, because I won't be trying to be something I'm not. It will be an extension of myself. My genuine thoughts, which some of the time really are cool and profound.

So here we go. Again. Really, again again. I've tried this before, and it never lasts. So, instead of trying to make it last and become something really incredible, I'm going to let it be what it is. I'm going to be me, and part of being me is writing when I need to. But it's also taking pictures if I need, or drawing, or dancing, or not creating at all. I'll do what I do and that'll be enough.

Except, while I'm being me, I am going to try and push myself out of my comfort zones. That may be through more vulnerable posts, or through poetry, or video...I want to push my creativity to a new level. Actually, I just want to bring it back to what it once was, and then push it past there. Starting with writing.

Adventure is out there, and I can't wait to create and be inspired by it.

Long overdue

The best way to describe the last few weeks: indescribable.

I know, I know, that's cheating. But really, it's the most accurate description. I can't begin to describe or understand the significance of everything I've experienced, learned, done. The weeks before Global Forum were some of the busiest of my life, and I don't even understand why I loved it so much. The pressure and responsibility required of us was such that it broke some, and others rose to the occasion. I didn't feel like an intern, I felt like part of the team. 

(speaking of the team, here's some of them! great, brilliant people)

Now that Global Forum is over, I don't even know what to do. I have THREE WEEKS left in the Fellowship. THREE. I mean, what the hell? When did that happen? How have I been doing this for five months already? I don't feel like I've learned enough, I don't feel like I've experienced everything there is to experience. I'm running out of time and while I feel like I have made the most of my experience, I feel like there is still so much left to do. 

I feel like I'm graduating from APU all over again. I don't know what I want to do, where I'll live. I don't have a job lined up yet, and I've sent my resume and cover letter out to at least seven jobs in the last four days. I'm looking and not finding anything. I wonder if I don't want to find anything. Maybe I'm not supposed to find something, right now. 

I believe that God has complete control over my life, and that He has a beautiful plan for what is next. I believe in His faithfulness, and I am trying so hard to trust in Him. But here's the thing. I don't want to just go back to Santa Barbara and work a random job until something cool comes along. I want more then that. I want to move where I'll thrive and grow and be challenged and I want to work a job that will push me to my limits. I know it'll work out. I know whatever I do next will, in time, be beneficial and incredible and a growing experience. But I want to do more than what I was doing before the Fellowship. I don't want this to have just been a break from "real life". I wanted this to be the beginning of that real life. 

For now, I'll keep trusting.

I'll stop worrying (or at least, try to).

I'll keep applying for jobs.

Though I'll spend more time prayerfully considering them.

I won't get my hopes up.

But I'll keep my hope in Christ.

I'll pray for peace, for understanding.

I'll keep striving towards the goals and dreams I have.

I'll finish strong.

ps. These are the other Fellows. Sometimes they drive me insane, but I can't imagine the last five months without them. (Aren't we a good looking bunch?)

Half Way

I have been here for over two months. My time here ends in almost exactly 3 months. So, basically, I'm at the half way point.

Woah.

It's crazy, in some ways, I feel like I've got it down. I've found my routine. I get up earliest in the house, giving me a little peace and solo time before the chaos of the day. I get ready, drink my coffee (sometimes tea, when I'm trying to cut back), dig into the Word while I eat a quick breakfast. Work starts at 9, and goes straight until 5, if not later. Days are full of tasks, emails, meetings, and so much learning. I work through lunch, and rarely break all day. After work I try to relax from the full packed day, but often it turns into working even later into the day. Sleep before midnight, when I'm lucky, and then begin again.

Like I said, I have my routine.

But at the same time, I'm consistently growing and learning and I still figuring out my footing. I think that is how it will always be. In many ways, I don't want to know everything. I don't want to master this work, because then it will grow dull. Mundane. I like the excitement, the variety, the intrigue. I like the new. 

I don't know if I want to work in non-profits forever. I honestly don't know what I want to do. Grad school? Law school? Full time ministry? Full time missions? Start my own non-profit? Go back and work at Starbucks? Teach? Art therapy? I don't even know. But I know I want to always be learning. I want to always be growing. I want to always keep moving.

busy bees

So, about this whole...blogging thing. I'm terribly inconsistent. And I apologize. But seeing as how maybe two people read this, I'm not all that sorry.

I'm just so busy.

I don't like saying that, because it makes it seem like a good thing. While it is a good thing--I'm not wasting my time, I have a lot of responsibilities and jobs to do--I don't think it's necessarily all that good of a thing. Let me explain.

Here at NFS, if you aren't moving and working and meeting with people 24/7, you're missing things. Things fall through the cracks, meetings are missed, tasks aren't completed. There is just so much to do, and so few people to do it, that if you don't put in a 10 to 12 hour work day, you just can't get everything done. This isn't just something I've noticed the senior management and other staff members doing: it's something that I find myself doing. I find myself getting up earlier, getting to work earlier, working through my lunch, staying late, and working when I get home. I am literally working ALL day. And even then, there are still things that don't get done. We are all experiencing it, and it is almost glorified here. The more emails you have in your inbox, the more your phone is blowing up with the boss giving you tasks...the more you have to do, the better you look, the better you feel.

I feel guilty taking a few minutes to step outside for fresh air. I feel guilty taking the evening to read a book or catch up on a guilty pleasure TV show (Pretty Little Liars anyone?). I feel like a slacker when I take my designated day off, or if I get to work on time instead of 20 minutes early.

I know that a lot of this is due to the nature of our work. We're fighting slavery. Traffickers don't stop, there is always someone being exploited, abused. It's difficult to justify taking a break because they don't get to. How will we stop the injustice, how will we change anything, if we don't put in the time and effort? You can't just fight slavery from 9 to 5, and then go about your normal life otherwise. It is all encompassing, all consuming. It permeates the way you live: the clothes you buy, the food you eat, the stores you shop at. Everything. Because it isn't just a job. You can't stop fighting slavery when the clock strikes 5.

The problem is that it begins to take over. I'm finding myself losing the ability to separate work from everything else, and I've barely been here two months. I can't imagine how all encompassing it would be if I was on staff. Maybe I'd be able to balance because the context would be different, who knows. What I do know is that I have found myself completely overwhelmed, on an express train to burnout station. I was forgetting what the point was, why I came here. I began to forget that the point wasn't to boost my resume, to make myself feel like I was making a different, to get a better job in January. I was losing sight of my goals for being here, of what exactly NFS is working for and of other things I hold dear. It was really easy to get caught up in administrative tasks and event planning and trying to fit in and trying to make friends and managing five email addresses. Everyone else was working 24/7, so I guess I should too?

No. I need to learn to say no. I am unpaid, I am volunteering my time being here. I want to do the best I can, but burning myself out on this kind of work in the first six months I'm doing it is, in fact, wasting my time. I need to pace myself. I need to discover the ways I work best. I need to adjust my schedule to a full time job, but not an overwhelmingly full time job. Allowing myself to burn out won't do any good. It'll just lead to me being cynical and bitter towards this type of work, and before you know it, I'll be back making lattes and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Again. And while there is nothing wrong with changing your life plan, there is no point in willingly allowing yourself to burn out on a good thing.

I need rest. I need sunshine. I need to sit on the beach and just listen to the waves. I need to walk around our block 8 times talking with a friend. I need to ride my bike to the harbor and smell the salty air. I need to sit outside on my lunch break. I need to shut my computer in the evenings and have conversations. I need to read for fun. I need to bake cookies and cook good meals. I need to skype friends at home. I need to go to church. I need to wear sweat pants and messy buns. I need to sit on the couch and watch a movie. I need to have my quiet time. I need to pray. I need to get to know my housemates. I need to get to know the neighbors. I need to stop and smell the roses. I need to take a drive down the coast. I need to explore San Francisco. I need to take a weekend every now and then and go home. I need to go on adventures. I need to swim. I need to run through a field. I need to do yoga on the beach. I need to stop and stare at the sea, or at the stars. I need to drink coffee and watch the fog roll by. I need to laugh. I need to let myself cry. I need to rest, to be restored.

Here's the point of all this:

I think I thought I'd learned this lesson in school, but I guess it is a lesson you learn again and again. Being busy isn't a bad thing, but it isn't the only thing.

worth.

It's August! It's August! Wait...what? Where did July go?

I'm almost a month into the Fellowship. Which is incredible. It's been incredible. It's also been hard. Is saying it's been a roller-coaster experience cliche? So be it.

I really enjoy the work I'm doing. I'm working with Donor relations, operations (a.k.a. administrative tasks), and helping plan NFS' big, annual event (Global Forum-- you should come!). It seems like I'm learning something new every day, and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I'm thankful to be learning so much of the inner workings. I'm thankful to be learning how to interact with Donors and handle that side of non-profit life. I'm thankful that I'm being challenged and that the work I'm doing isn't super easy. I'm thankful that I'm being given so much responsibility, even though sometimes the weight of everything makes me want to break down and cry.

I'm thankful that this job is making me stronger.

I'm also thankful for the hard parts. For the not-so easy things. For the housemates who have different worldviews. For the coworkers who do things SO differently. For the roommate who has her opinions. For the long hours and huge tasks.

Yes, it's hard.
Yes, I'm tired.
Yes, I don't have any personal space.
Yes, I don't see eye-to-eye with everyone.
Yes, I want to cry right now.

But it's making me stronger. This is real life. This isn't college, this isn't a dead-end job. There isn't a promise of employment at the end of the Fellowship, but there is the promise that it is preparing me for something else. For something bigger. This is preparing me for the job(s) I want. This is preparing me for what changing the world is really like. It isn't easy and it isn't all rainbows and hugs and smiling children. Changing the world, fighting injustice...is hard. It takes 100% of you, 100% of the time.

But it's worth it. Every tear I hold back, every night I stay up late, every meal I don't have time to eat, being away from loved ones, not having personal space: it's worth it. I'm making a difference. I'm fighting the injustice. I'm stepping into my calling. I'm fighting modern-day slavery, one seemingly meaningless task at a time. I'm fighting the darkness. It's so worth it.