Places & Memories

Today, it caught me off guard. The smells, the sounds, the air. Everything about Barrio Logan wasn't like usual. It wasn't the Barrio Logan I've come to know. It was something different. Familiar. Sentimental. Heart wrenching.

In the few feet from one office door to the other, I was transported from Barrio Logan to the Blanco township in George, South Africa. My senses took me on a journey that left me winded, shocked and with tears forming. 

It caught me off guard because, at first, I didn't realize what was so familiar and special about it. I couldn't remember what it reminded me of. It's almost been two years since that trip to the Rainbow Nation, how have I forgotten so much? How have I forgotten those smells and sights and that feeling of hopelessness mingled with bittersweet joy? 

There are clouds in the air, with a slight humidity and the hope that the sun will come out in the early afternoon. Cars drive by adjacent streets, there was a honking horn and the whirr of a motorcycle far away. Men talk on the corner across the street, and a mother is walking several children to school. Their clothes are a little too big, same with their backpacks. An amputee with his pomeranian passes in his wheelchair, and a young lady sits against the fence across the street, watching him pass.There is little river forming by the building, where a drain pipe empties out onto the sidewalk. It runs to the street, and while the water is clean, the ground is not. There is a smell wafting, a mixture of gasoline, urine and body odor, and the faint salty breeze from the nearby harbor. 

Barrio Logan isn't the same as Blanco. But there are so many similarities, and when I look at this neighborhood, really look at it, the similarities are overwhelming. How have I spent four months working every day in this place and not seen it as such? I've approached it as a place I have to be in, one to be cautious and apprehensive towards. One where blood stains on the sidewalk from a stabbing are gross, not heartbreaking. Where a mentally unstable man talking to himself is to be avoided, not prayed for. I've approached it with a glass is half empty mentality, no, more of a glass is all the way empty mentality.

While Barrio Logan is still broken, it isn't beyond hope. I should treat it as Blanco, or the Tenderloin, or Skid Row-- praying for it. Praying that Jesus will take hold of this neighborhood, filling it with His servants who will manifest His light and hope in the darkness. Praying that hope will rise and His people here will know Him. Praying that, even though my time left here is short, that He will use me in this mission.

Thinking of Blanco and the people there who captured my heart, and thinking of Barrio Logan and the people here who need love and kindness and Jesus too.

Walk in Love

In case you missed the memo, I live in a house with 25 other people. Yes, you read that correctly. Twenty-five. 25 people from different places. 25 people from different cultures. 25 people with completely different life experiences. 25 people with different worldviews. 25 people that I get to do life with, which, much like our house, has become a beautiful and messy experience.

I've been in this environment for about three and a half months now. For almost the entirety of that time, I have been trying to love these people. Each and every one of them. Because obviously God brought me to this internship and this home so that I can love them, right? I've tried and tried to love them, even when it's hard. I've tried to love them through random acts of kindness, like washing everyone's dishes or cleaning the kitchen or washing the couch cover. I've tried to love them through words of affirmation, through compliments and loving words. I've tried everything, and it hasn't been easy. In fact, it's gotten harder. But I've tried.

And that, I just realized, is the problem.

I've been trying. I, me, have been trying. I have had to try to love some of these people. It isn't easy. It's something I have had to remind myself to do. I've had to try.

If I'm truly loving them, loving them with the love of Christ that is in me, then I shouldn't have to try, right? It should flow out of me. I shouldn't even have to think about it, Christ's self-sacrificial love should radiate out of every pore.

Except I think I haven't been loving with Christ's love. At least, not lately. I've been loving with a "I'm doing this to bless others in hopes that they'll notice and affirm and love me more" kind of love. Which is not the way Christ loves.

Christ loves perfectly. God loves us SO much that He sent His perfect Son to die for us. I know that, but do I really understand it? Do I really fathom that the God of the universe sent His ONLY Son to die for ME? For my sins, for my mistakes, for my brokenness and stubbornness and consistently shitty behavior. He died to us. All of us. Me included. And because I believe in Him, I believe this, I have been saved. I have been redeemed. He has rescued me and saved me and He loves me. Not because of what I can give Him, not because of what I do for Him, but because He does. His love is completely perfect and self-giving and there is nothing I can do to deserve it, to pay Him back for it, to justify it. He sacrificed Himself because He loves me. God loves me because I am His cherished daughter, His messy little creation, His princess. I didn't earn that, I didn't do anything to merit receiving that. It is just because He loves me.

THAT is self-giving, truly self-sacrificial love. That is Christ.

That's how I want to love. I want to love like He loves.

But I can't try to love that way. It isn't something you can try and do. It's something that just... happens.

Lazo spoke about this at Reality the other week, that our ability to truly love others is directly proportionate to our relationship with God, to the degree we are experiencing Him. When we are in deep, intimate, true, beautiful relationship with Him, we love more easily. It flows out of us as easily as we breathe.

When we are with Christ, truly with Him, then we truly imitate Him. He radiates through us, and loving others because we love them, not because we want something from them, comes naturally.

This last week I have been brought to my last nerve with some of my sweet housemates. Little annoyances have reached a new high, and it has become increasingly hard to love, let alone be friends. I have three weeks left here. That is just enough time to tune out, to focus on what is next and stop caring. But I don't want that to happen. I want these next three weeks to be some of the best. I want to make the most of it.

Instead of trying harder, my goal is this: to press into Jesus.
Instead of praying for God to help me love, my prayer will be this: Lord, show me more of You.

I want to walk in love, but not just general love, but Christ's love. I want to walk in love, side by side with my God.

goals & things

As my time at IC is wrapping up, I’m obviously thinking about what’s next. And by obviously thinking about it, I mean obsessing and stressing on the daily. But that’s another blog for another day.

Today, I’m thinking about what’s next, and setting goals. Goals that I can strive towards no matter where I am or what I’m doing. Goals that I want to be intentional about, and goals that I want to achieve.

1.    Invest in relationships

I want to stop taking people for granted. I want to invest in the friendships I have, in the loved ones around me. I want to be an equal partner in those relationships, around for the good and the bad. I want my relationships to be more than a few hours when I’m visiting for a weekend. Even if they are long distance, I want to participate and not take them for granted.

2.    Do work I love

      Whether it is the job I’m doing, or pursuing passion projects on the side, I want to love what I’m doing. If I don’t love what I’m doing, instead of quitting, I want to first change my attitude towards it.

3.    Make my house my home

Home is more than a house, but also more than a state of mind. I want to be content and find rest in the place I’m in, and that starts by treating it as home.

4.    Save for my future… and for slightly irresponsible adventures

I want to be responsible and self-sufficient. But at the same time, I am only 24, and if I want to go to New York City for a week or drive to LA three weekends in a row, than I will. It may not be wise to take a trip to Hawaii with some girlfriends, but it is good for the soul, which is responsible enough for me.

5.    Read more

I really hate how much TV I watch. I love stories, and want to consume them through literature, not media. Maybe I read Mindy Kaling’s biography, or Anna Karenina. Doesn’t matter what I’m reading, just that I am.

6.    Commit

      I can be a very wishy-washy twenty-something. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, so I avoid investing in what I am doing. I want to commit. Maybe I’m working at a coffee shop and nannying, but I want to commit to that work. I want to commit to the community I’m in, to the things I’m doing, and to what the Lord has called me into.

7.    Pray

This is a life goal that should always be on my list. Pray more. Pray every day. Pray without ceasing.

8.    Give back

Though I can’t work for every organization I’ve interned for, I can support them. $5 a month can do so much, and I can live making my own coffee instead of buying overpriced lattes. I want to give back and continue to support the missions of the organizations I love.

9.    Mentor

Reinvest in my former students and invest in new ones. Youth ministry is so dear to my heart, and always will be. I’ve been lost without it this last year, and am eager to start again.

10.  Yoga

It sounds silly, but I really enjoy yoga, and want to make it my practice. Sub-goal: master crow and bird of paradise.

11. Love where I’m at, and who I’m with

Self-explanatory, really, but I want to love the place God has me in. I want to love tangibly, not just theoretically. Love is an action, not just a thought.

12. Act: don’t just try, but do

This is the goal that sums up the rest of my goals: I want to actually do these things, not just say I will. I don’t want it to end up being November and I haven’t done anything on here, or have started and then failed to finish. These are consistent goals, without real deadlines, so I want to commit to doing them. I really want to yoda the shit out of these goals, “there is no try, only do”.

As I move into my last month at IC, I want to begin stepping into these goals. I can love where I’m at right now, I can invest in the relationships around me now, I can practice yoga more, I can read more. As for what I can’t do this second, I can start figuring out what that will look like in this next season.

I kind of hate transition, but also think I’m addicted to change. Oops.

once again

I'm not even going to talk about how bad I am at blogging. I start to blog consistently, then I realize half the time I'm not saying the cool and profound things I want to be saying, and the other half of the time the things I am saying aren't nearly as cool and profound as I think they are. Then I try to sound cooler and more intelligent and wittier and I end up sounding like a trying-to-be-trendy-and-hipster-wannabe. Like I read one too many Shauna Niequist and Donald Miller books and now think I need to write just like them, but I can't.

I should just write like me.

Actually, I shouldn't write like me. I should just be me.

By being me, my blog will be a product of me. I won't be trying to make it more than it is, because I won't be trying to be something I'm not. It will be an extension of myself. My genuine thoughts, which some of the time really are cool and profound.

So here we go. Again. Really, again again. I've tried this before, and it never lasts. So, instead of trying to make it last and become something really incredible, I'm going to let it be what it is. I'm going to be me, and part of being me is writing when I need to. But it's also taking pictures if I need, or drawing, or dancing, or not creating at all. I'll do what I do and that'll be enough.

Except, while I'm being me, I am going to try and push myself out of my comfort zones. That may be through more vulnerable posts, or through poetry, or video...I want to push my creativity to a new level. Actually, I just want to bring it back to what it once was, and then push it past there. Starting with writing.

Adventure is out there, and I can't wait to create and be inspired by it.

Long overdue

The best way to describe the last few weeks: indescribable.

I know, I know, that's cheating. But really, it's the most accurate description. I can't begin to describe or understand the significance of everything I've experienced, learned, done. The weeks before Global Forum were some of the busiest of my life, and I don't even understand why I loved it so much. The pressure and responsibility required of us was such that it broke some, and others rose to the occasion. I didn't feel like an intern, I felt like part of the team. 

(speaking of the team, here's some of them! great, brilliant people)

Now that Global Forum is over, I don't even know what to do. I have THREE WEEKS left in the Fellowship. THREE. I mean, what the hell? When did that happen? How have I been doing this for five months already? I don't feel like I've learned enough, I don't feel like I've experienced everything there is to experience. I'm running out of time and while I feel like I have made the most of my experience, I feel like there is still so much left to do. 

I feel like I'm graduating from APU all over again. I don't know what I want to do, where I'll live. I don't have a job lined up yet, and I've sent my resume and cover letter out to at least seven jobs in the last four days. I'm looking and not finding anything. I wonder if I don't want to find anything. Maybe I'm not supposed to find something, right now. 

I believe that God has complete control over my life, and that He has a beautiful plan for what is next. I believe in His faithfulness, and I am trying so hard to trust in Him. But here's the thing. I don't want to just go back to Santa Barbara and work a random job until something cool comes along. I want more then that. I want to move where I'll thrive and grow and be challenged and I want to work a job that will push me to my limits. I know it'll work out. I know whatever I do next will, in time, be beneficial and incredible and a growing experience. But I want to do more than what I was doing before the Fellowship. I don't want this to have just been a break from "real life". I wanted this to be the beginning of that real life. 

For now, I'll keep trusting.

I'll stop worrying (or at least, try to).

I'll keep applying for jobs.

Though I'll spend more time prayerfully considering them.

I won't get my hopes up.

But I'll keep my hope in Christ.

I'll pray for peace, for understanding.

I'll keep striving towards the goals and dreams I have.

I'll finish strong.

ps. These are the other Fellows. Sometimes they drive me insane, but I can't imagine the last five months without them. (Aren't we a good looking bunch?)