i'm okay.
i'm alright.
i mean, seriously.
i'm fine.
wait, no, not fine. i hate the word fine. fine is a cover, a mask, a wall. fine is what i say to people i don't want to let in. fine is what i say to people who don't really care. fine is the bullshit i tell myself. fine is my least favorite word.
but i'm okay.
i'm alright.
i'm hanging in there.
i hate getting caught up in my own self-pity and the drama of my silly, superficial life. i'm so tired of worrying about whether i made someone's latte just right, of worrying about if my yoga pants are giving a guy friend the wrong impression, of worrying if my friends value our friendship as much as i do, of worrying about whether i'm wasting my life away by not being somewhere doing something important.
worrying is like a rocking chair. you feel like you're moving, but you're really stuck in one spot. you'll never make progress if you don't stop rocking and get up.
i know that where i'm at isn't where i'm meant to be, forever. but it's where i'm supposed to be now.
i'm growing and i'm learning and yes, i'm not loving every minute of it, but i'm looking for the good and the lesson in every experience. even if it is something as small and silly as "hey, not every latte is perfect, don't beat yourself up".
i don't know why i feel the need to blog. i really don't. but here i am. first post in several months. i'm in the same place i was before. well, physically. but emotionally, spiritually, mentally...i'm in a completely different place. i'm moving forward. i'm growing. it may not be noticeable to the rest of the world, but it's true. it's happening. soon i'll start moving forward physically too. i'll embark on a new adventure. but until that day, i'll keep moving forward in other ways. and i won't worry that people think i'm slacking or wasting time. i won't worry what people think, period. i'll do what i can, and that's all i can hope to do. and that's alright with me.
