busy bees

So, about this whole...blogging thing. I'm terribly inconsistent. And I apologize. But seeing as how maybe two people read this, I'm not all that sorry.

I'm just so busy.

I don't like saying that, because it makes it seem like a good thing. While it is a good thing--I'm not wasting my time, I have a lot of responsibilities and jobs to do--I don't think it's necessarily all that good of a thing. Let me explain.

Here at NFS, if you aren't moving and working and meeting with people 24/7, you're missing things. Things fall through the cracks, meetings are missed, tasks aren't completed. There is just so much to do, and so few people to do it, that if you don't put in a 10 to 12 hour work day, you just can't get everything done. This isn't just something I've noticed the senior management and other staff members doing: it's something that I find myself doing. I find myself getting up earlier, getting to work earlier, working through my lunch, staying late, and working when I get home. I am literally working ALL day. And even then, there are still things that don't get done. We are all experiencing it, and it is almost glorified here. The more emails you have in your inbox, the more your phone is blowing up with the boss giving you tasks...the more you have to do, the better you look, the better you feel.

I feel guilty taking a few minutes to step outside for fresh air. I feel guilty taking the evening to read a book or catch up on a guilty pleasure TV show (Pretty Little Liars anyone?). I feel like a slacker when I take my designated day off, or if I get to work on time instead of 20 minutes early.

I know that a lot of this is due to the nature of our work. We're fighting slavery. Traffickers don't stop, there is always someone being exploited, abused. It's difficult to justify taking a break because they don't get to. How will we stop the injustice, how will we change anything, if we don't put in the time and effort? You can't just fight slavery from 9 to 5, and then go about your normal life otherwise. It is all encompassing, all consuming. It permeates the way you live: the clothes you buy, the food you eat, the stores you shop at. Everything. Because it isn't just a job. You can't stop fighting slavery when the clock strikes 5.

The problem is that it begins to take over. I'm finding myself losing the ability to separate work from everything else, and I've barely been here two months. I can't imagine how all encompassing it would be if I was on staff. Maybe I'd be able to balance because the context would be different, who knows. What I do know is that I have found myself completely overwhelmed, on an express train to burnout station. I was forgetting what the point was, why I came here. I began to forget that the point wasn't to boost my resume, to make myself feel like I was making a different, to get a better job in January. I was losing sight of my goals for being here, of what exactly NFS is working for and of other things I hold dear. It was really easy to get caught up in administrative tasks and event planning and trying to fit in and trying to make friends and managing five email addresses. Everyone else was working 24/7, so I guess I should too?

No. I need to learn to say no. I am unpaid, I am volunteering my time being here. I want to do the best I can, but burning myself out on this kind of work in the first six months I'm doing it is, in fact, wasting my time. I need to pace myself. I need to discover the ways I work best. I need to adjust my schedule to a full time job, but not an overwhelmingly full time job. Allowing myself to burn out won't do any good. It'll just lead to me being cynical and bitter towards this type of work, and before you know it, I'll be back making lattes and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Again. And while there is nothing wrong with changing your life plan, there is no point in willingly allowing yourself to burn out on a good thing.

I need rest. I need sunshine. I need to sit on the beach and just listen to the waves. I need to walk around our block 8 times talking with a friend. I need to ride my bike to the harbor and smell the salty air. I need to sit outside on my lunch break. I need to shut my computer in the evenings and have conversations. I need to read for fun. I need to bake cookies and cook good meals. I need to skype friends at home. I need to go to church. I need to wear sweat pants and messy buns. I need to sit on the couch and watch a movie. I need to have my quiet time. I need to pray. I need to get to know my housemates. I need to get to know the neighbors. I need to stop and smell the roses. I need to take a drive down the coast. I need to explore San Francisco. I need to take a weekend every now and then and go home. I need to go on adventures. I need to swim. I need to run through a field. I need to do yoga on the beach. I need to stop and stare at the sea, or at the stars. I need to drink coffee and watch the fog roll by. I need to laugh. I need to let myself cry. I need to rest, to be restored.

Here's the point of all this:

I think I thought I'd learned this lesson in school, but I guess it is a lesson you learn again and again. Being busy isn't a bad thing, but it isn't the only thing.

worth.

It's August! It's August! Wait...what? Where did July go?

I'm almost a month into the Fellowship. Which is incredible. It's been incredible. It's also been hard. Is saying it's been a roller-coaster experience cliche? So be it.

I really enjoy the work I'm doing. I'm working with Donor relations, operations (a.k.a. administrative tasks), and helping plan NFS' big, annual event (Global Forum-- you should come!). It seems like I'm learning something new every day, and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I'm thankful to be learning so much of the inner workings. I'm thankful to be learning how to interact with Donors and handle that side of non-profit life. I'm thankful that I'm being challenged and that the work I'm doing isn't super easy. I'm thankful that I'm being given so much responsibility, even though sometimes the weight of everything makes me want to break down and cry.

I'm thankful that this job is making me stronger.

I'm also thankful for the hard parts. For the not-so easy things. For the housemates who have different worldviews. For the coworkers who do things SO differently. For the roommate who has her opinions. For the long hours and huge tasks.

Yes, it's hard.
Yes, I'm tired.
Yes, I don't have any personal space.
Yes, I don't see eye-to-eye with everyone.
Yes, I want to cry right now.

But it's making me stronger. This is real life. This isn't college, this isn't a dead-end job. There isn't a promise of employment at the end of the Fellowship, but there is the promise that it is preparing me for something else. For something bigger. This is preparing me for the job(s) I want. This is preparing me for what changing the world is really like. It isn't easy and it isn't all rainbows and hugs and smiling children. Changing the world, fighting injustice...is hard. It takes 100% of you, 100% of the time.

But it's worth it. Every tear I hold back, every night I stay up late, every meal I don't have time to eat, being away from loved ones, not having personal space: it's worth it. I'm making a difference. I'm fighting the injustice. I'm stepping into my calling. I'm fighting modern-day slavery, one seemingly meaningless task at a time. I'm fighting the darkness. It's so worth it.