identity crisis

I don't think I'm really fully aware of the fact that I'm a college graduate. I think it's just now beginning to hit me that I'm really, truly done with school. Unless I decide to get my MFA or go to Seminary, but that's another blog for another time. Right now, in this moment, and for as far as I can see right now (which is to, say, early October, because I have a wedding to go to), school and I are officially done.

So much of my life has been school. I mean, I've been in school for 16 years. And the 6 years before that don't really count, because how much of your early years do you really remember? Essentially, I've been in school for my entire life. I never realized just how consumed my life has been by school. I think I got really good at categorizing my life, and "school" always contained homework, classes, and my major. But all of the social and extracurricular aspects were in different categories.

Looking back, school was the glue that held my life together. Everything made sense because I was in school. I learned to love being busy, and when my life isn't crazy full, I don't know what to do with myself. I overcommit because that's my nature. I love running from one thing to the next, being so busy that I have to schedule every bit of my life or else it doesn't work. School made that busyness kosher. It was OK to be so busy because everything I was doing mattered. Staying up all night to finish an art project was OK because I literally didn't have time anywhere else in my day to do it, because that day was spent running from work to chapel to class to another class to starbucks so I could knock out a paper in 2 hours to chapel to my studio. That may sound like torture to you, but I loved it. And I miss it.

Here's the thing. I love school. I love going to class. I love having deadlines that get me to write or create or think outside the box. I don't know how to be motivated to do that on my own. I mean, sure, there are parts I hate, and in some moments everything in me wanted to quit. But looking back, oh what I would give to have another semester at APU.

My identity is found in school.

What I mean is that I am so lost without being in school. 16 years of something will do that to you. Especially when the last 4 of those years is spent at a place like APU.

Being graduated is going to be harder and weirder and suckier than I ever could have anticipated. Sure, I had professors talk about how difficult it would be to make art after school. I had professors say that figuring out the rest of your life would be difficult. I knew it would be hard. No one tried to sugarcoat it. I knew it would be hard. But I didn't know it would be this hard.

Not having a set direction makes it harder. But I think things are maybe possibly starting to come together. I can look past early October and you know what? My life isn't completely over. I'm going to keep moving forward.

Sometimes it feels like I'm blindfolded, groping around in the dark to find comfort or safety, while everyone around me is watching me look like an idiot. Some try and help, but most step away and look at me like I'm absolutely crazy. But there is a Voice ahead that is guiding me, gently and sweetly. Through this stupid identity crisis, that is the Voice I'll listen to. Not the ones around me telling me I'm crazy. Not the ones saying I can go my own way, that maybe I'm taking this to an extreme. I'm listening to the one kindly calling me, "this way, child. come to Me."

I don't think there are extremes in following Jesus. You either follow Him or you don't. "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."* There's no middle option, no lukewarm choice, no medium sized gate. It's hard and we as Christians have grown so complacent that when someone actually does what Jesus commands, it seems crazy. But I'm not crazy. I'm just in love with Jesus, and I just want more of Him. So I'll learn to really, truly place my identity in Him, and follow Him with reckless abandon, no matter how crazy I may look.

*Matthew 7:13-14

the waiting game

I’ve realized something. I’m incredibly impatient. I’ve actually known this for a long time, but now I realize that I’m not the only one. We are an incredibly impatient generation. If we have to slow down below 75 on the freeway we freak out. If the barista takes more than 2 minutes to get our venti quad skinny vanilla latte, we get annoyed. We avoid Costco on Saturdays like the plague, and don’t even think about asking us to go to the DMV. If YouTube has to buffer while loading our weekly Jenna Marbles video, we get pissy. We aren’t happy with our 4G smart phones, give us 20G if it means it’ll be faster. We know what we want, and we want it NOW.

We have this same mentality when it comes to missions. We go somewhere and we preach at people, telling them about Jesus and how He died to save them and how all they have to do is pray a 30 second prayer and then ta-da, they’re a Christian and life is good. We bring them food and clothes and shoes and books. We build houses and wells and schools, we paint and clean and do all kinds of stuff. We take pictures of the people and their homes without really learning their names, their language or their stories.

I have a big problem with being patient. Meaning that I’m not patient. This is something that God has been teaching me, and let me tell you, it’s not a quick lesson. I’ve been learning it for over 2 years now, and I’m sure I’ll continue learning it for years to come. Sometimes it’s easy to grasp, and other times it’s almost like God is beating me upside the head with it. But patience is something I need desperately to learn, because in the end, life isn’t about my timing—it’s about God’s.

I came back from South Africa with a lot of hopes and dreams. They didn’t have details, but I was confident that God has called me back to South Africa, and possibly to other areas of the world to work with people. I came back on June 15^th, and if I could have, I would have gotten on a plane to go back on June 16^th. Only problem was that God gave me clear, simple instructions: “Wait, child.”

Damn it.

I hate waiting. I am part of this gotta-have-it-now generation. I get antsy in long lines, I don’t want to live in LA because I don’t like traffic…I just hate waiting. It goes hand in hand with my lack of patience.

I learned a lot about missions while in South Africa, particularly about how God’s timing is so much better than mine could ever be. One night in a team meeting, Johnny was saying that he felt frustrated that we didn’t know Afrikaans, because we couldn’t really share the gospel with the kids in Blanco or whomever we met. We talked about how maybe sharing the gospel in this setting is something we weren’t supposed to do with our words, but with our actions. “Preach the gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words.” Learning to be Jesus’ hands and feet in a tangible way, that sort of thing. This didn’t settle all of Johnny’s frustrations, but it did help me to realize something: God doesn’t need us to make Himself known. He doesn’t need us to preach the gospel to people. He could do it without us. But He chooses to include us, to call us. We are just vessels for Him to use. On top of that, we are broken vessels. But God will use us in mighty ways for His purpose. Maybe that means preaching to hundreds of people. Maybe it means having a single conversation with a single person. Maybe it means not even using words, but holding a hurting child and praying over them, even though they don’t understand what you’re saying. God’s ways are SO much higher than ours, and His timing is so much better.

All of this to say, missions isn’t something you can do without patience. You’ll get frustrated and burn out if you try and do missions, or ministry in general, without patience. And sure, we aren’t going to be patience at all times. We’ll get frustrated and impatient, probably a lot. But we have to trust that, though we may not see “results”, that doesn’t mean God isn’t working. Just because we didn’t lead someone through that prayer doesn’t mean God isn’t doing stuff in his or her heart. Missions isn’t conducive with our gotta-have-it-now mentality.

God has called me to wait. This is possibly the hardest thing He’s ever told me to do. It’s incredibly hard to sit and watch everyone around me getting cool jobs, moving away, working abroad, getting married. I want my dream job now. Maybe my dream job could even take me abroad? Getting married…yes, I want that. But that can wait. It’s hard to watch everything happening for everyone and to be….living at home, working at Starbucks. I’m not planning on getting an apartment in town (partially because I can’t afford it, partially because I don’t want to get stuck). I’m praying for direction, looking at options, and waiting on the Lord.

And I was fine with this. More than fine, I was actually stoked. God was showing me a lot and helping me to work through some of my personal demons. I was growing in my relationship with Him leaps and bounds. It was great!

But then people started asking me what I’m doing. They started asking “well, what’s next?” That’s where doubt creeps in. I seriously hate that the enemy works in such sneaky ways, like through doubt and fear. I began doubting God’s calling, doubting that I was doing the right thing in waiting. I started to freak out and question everything.

I’m confident that God has GREAT BIG AWESOME EPIC AMAZING WILD CRAZY plans for me. I am seriously beyond excited for what He has in store. But I’m also learning to be patient and be stoked for what He’s doing now. I won’t let doubt sabotage the growth and trust He’s been developing in me. I won’t let the lies that society throws at me stick, and I will trust that He has me waiting for a reason.

This time has been incredibly hard, and I knew it would be. And I know it will continue to be. But it has also been incredibly sweet. And I know it will continue to be sweet as well.

psalm 37:4

"delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your hearts"

this is one of those beautiful verses that is so overused in the church. it's like a get out of jail free card: well, as long as i love Jesus, i can do whatever, cause He'll give me the desires of my heart. i'll get what i want in the end. that certain guy. that specific job. that raise. that house. that car. that perfect body. right?

well, i don't think it really works that way.

i'm learning that when you really, truly delight yourself in the Lord, your desires change. when He is your true source of joy, of hope, of life. when you really aren't relying on things of the world for happiness and comfort. when you truly delight yourself in the Lord, your desires change. you don't care about what the world says you need to want. the things that you once wanted, once desired...you don't care about anymore. well, maybe you care. but they pale in comparison!

as i find myself delighting in the Lord, really and truly, my desires have changed. i'm finding that i don't really want the things that i desired as much. i mean, yes, i still want to continue doing photography, i want to meet the man of my dreams and get married, i want to have a family, i want to live and work abroad. these are still things i would love to do in my life. but they aren't nearly as important as they once were. and they aren't nearly as urgent as they once were.

i'm finding that as i delight in the Lord, i just want more of Jesus! i want to know Him more, experience Him more, love Him more, worship Him more, learn about Him more, talk about Him more...i just want MORE! i want more Jesus, i want to serve Him and His people. i believe that the other desires of my heart will come to be through these overwhelming desires of wanting more Jesus. but my fleshly desires are completely overpowered by these Kingdom desires.

"delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.
commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this:
He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."
psalm 37:4-6