Long overdue

The best way to describe the last few weeks: indescribable.

I know, I know, that's cheating. But really, it's the most accurate description. I can't begin to describe or understand the significance of everything I've experienced, learned, done. The weeks before Global Forum were some of the busiest of my life, and I don't even understand why I loved it so much. The pressure and responsibility required of us was such that it broke some, and others rose to the occasion. I didn't feel like an intern, I felt like part of the team. 

(speaking of the team, here's some of them! great, brilliant people)

Now that Global Forum is over, I don't even know what to do. I have THREE WEEKS left in the Fellowship. THREE. I mean, what the hell? When did that happen? How have I been doing this for five months already? I don't feel like I've learned enough, I don't feel like I've experienced everything there is to experience. I'm running out of time and while I feel like I have made the most of my experience, I feel like there is still so much left to do. 

I feel like I'm graduating from APU all over again. I don't know what I want to do, where I'll live. I don't have a job lined up yet, and I've sent my resume and cover letter out to at least seven jobs in the last four days. I'm looking and not finding anything. I wonder if I don't want to find anything. Maybe I'm not supposed to find something, right now. 

I believe that God has complete control over my life, and that He has a beautiful plan for what is next. I believe in His faithfulness, and I am trying so hard to trust in Him. But here's the thing. I don't want to just go back to Santa Barbara and work a random job until something cool comes along. I want more then that. I want to move where I'll thrive and grow and be challenged and I want to work a job that will push me to my limits. I know it'll work out. I know whatever I do next will, in time, be beneficial and incredible and a growing experience. But I want to do more than what I was doing before the Fellowship. I don't want this to have just been a break from "real life". I wanted this to be the beginning of that real life. 

For now, I'll keep trusting.

I'll stop worrying (or at least, try to).

I'll keep applying for jobs.

Though I'll spend more time prayerfully considering them.

I won't get my hopes up.

But I'll keep my hope in Christ.

I'll pray for peace, for understanding.

I'll keep striving towards the goals and dreams I have.

I'll finish strong.

ps. These are the other Fellows. Sometimes they drive me insane, but I can't imagine the last five months without them. (Aren't we a good looking bunch?)

Half Way

I have been here for over two months. My time here ends in almost exactly 3 months. So, basically, I'm at the half way point.

Woah.

It's crazy, in some ways, I feel like I've got it down. I've found my routine. I get up earliest in the house, giving me a little peace and solo time before the chaos of the day. I get ready, drink my coffee (sometimes tea, when I'm trying to cut back), dig into the Word while I eat a quick breakfast. Work starts at 9, and goes straight until 5, if not later. Days are full of tasks, emails, meetings, and so much learning. I work through lunch, and rarely break all day. After work I try to relax from the full packed day, but often it turns into working even later into the day. Sleep before midnight, when I'm lucky, and then begin again.

Like I said, I have my routine.

But at the same time, I'm consistently growing and learning and I still figuring out my footing. I think that is how it will always be. In many ways, I don't want to know everything. I don't want to master this work, because then it will grow dull. Mundane. I like the excitement, the variety, the intrigue. I like the new. 

I don't know if I want to work in non-profits forever. I honestly don't know what I want to do. Grad school? Law school? Full time ministry? Full time missions? Start my own non-profit? Go back and work at Starbucks? Teach? Art therapy? I don't even know. But I know I want to always be learning. I want to always be growing. I want to always keep moving.

busy bees

So, about this whole...blogging thing. I'm terribly inconsistent. And I apologize. But seeing as how maybe two people read this, I'm not all that sorry.

I'm just so busy.

I don't like saying that, because it makes it seem like a good thing. While it is a good thing--I'm not wasting my time, I have a lot of responsibilities and jobs to do--I don't think it's necessarily all that good of a thing. Let me explain.

Here at NFS, if you aren't moving and working and meeting with people 24/7, you're missing things. Things fall through the cracks, meetings are missed, tasks aren't completed. There is just so much to do, and so few people to do it, that if you don't put in a 10 to 12 hour work day, you just can't get everything done. This isn't just something I've noticed the senior management and other staff members doing: it's something that I find myself doing. I find myself getting up earlier, getting to work earlier, working through my lunch, staying late, and working when I get home. I am literally working ALL day. And even then, there are still things that don't get done. We are all experiencing it, and it is almost glorified here. The more emails you have in your inbox, the more your phone is blowing up with the boss giving you tasks...the more you have to do, the better you look, the better you feel.

I feel guilty taking a few minutes to step outside for fresh air. I feel guilty taking the evening to read a book or catch up on a guilty pleasure TV show (Pretty Little Liars anyone?). I feel like a slacker when I take my designated day off, or if I get to work on time instead of 20 minutes early.

I know that a lot of this is due to the nature of our work. We're fighting slavery. Traffickers don't stop, there is always someone being exploited, abused. It's difficult to justify taking a break because they don't get to. How will we stop the injustice, how will we change anything, if we don't put in the time and effort? You can't just fight slavery from 9 to 5, and then go about your normal life otherwise. It is all encompassing, all consuming. It permeates the way you live: the clothes you buy, the food you eat, the stores you shop at. Everything. Because it isn't just a job. You can't stop fighting slavery when the clock strikes 5.

The problem is that it begins to take over. I'm finding myself losing the ability to separate work from everything else, and I've barely been here two months. I can't imagine how all encompassing it would be if I was on staff. Maybe I'd be able to balance because the context would be different, who knows. What I do know is that I have found myself completely overwhelmed, on an express train to burnout station. I was forgetting what the point was, why I came here. I began to forget that the point wasn't to boost my resume, to make myself feel like I was making a different, to get a better job in January. I was losing sight of my goals for being here, of what exactly NFS is working for and of other things I hold dear. It was really easy to get caught up in administrative tasks and event planning and trying to fit in and trying to make friends and managing five email addresses. Everyone else was working 24/7, so I guess I should too?

No. I need to learn to say no. I am unpaid, I am volunteering my time being here. I want to do the best I can, but burning myself out on this kind of work in the first six months I'm doing it is, in fact, wasting my time. I need to pace myself. I need to discover the ways I work best. I need to adjust my schedule to a full time job, but not an overwhelmingly full time job. Allowing myself to burn out won't do any good. It'll just lead to me being cynical and bitter towards this type of work, and before you know it, I'll be back making lattes and trying to figure out what to do with my life. Again. And while there is nothing wrong with changing your life plan, there is no point in willingly allowing yourself to burn out on a good thing.

I need rest. I need sunshine. I need to sit on the beach and just listen to the waves. I need to walk around our block 8 times talking with a friend. I need to ride my bike to the harbor and smell the salty air. I need to sit outside on my lunch break. I need to shut my computer in the evenings and have conversations. I need to read for fun. I need to bake cookies and cook good meals. I need to skype friends at home. I need to go to church. I need to wear sweat pants and messy buns. I need to sit on the couch and watch a movie. I need to have my quiet time. I need to pray. I need to get to know my housemates. I need to get to know the neighbors. I need to stop and smell the roses. I need to take a drive down the coast. I need to explore San Francisco. I need to take a weekend every now and then and go home. I need to go on adventures. I need to swim. I need to run through a field. I need to do yoga on the beach. I need to stop and stare at the sea, or at the stars. I need to drink coffee and watch the fog roll by. I need to laugh. I need to let myself cry. I need to rest, to be restored.

Here's the point of all this:

I think I thought I'd learned this lesson in school, but I guess it is a lesson you learn again and again. Being busy isn't a bad thing, but it isn't the only thing.

worth.

It's August! It's August! Wait...what? Where did July go?

I'm almost a month into the Fellowship. Which is incredible. It's been incredible. It's also been hard. Is saying it's been a roller-coaster experience cliche? So be it.

I really enjoy the work I'm doing. I'm working with Donor relations, operations (a.k.a. administrative tasks), and helping plan NFS' big, annual event (Global Forum-- you should come!). It seems like I'm learning something new every day, and I'm incredibly thankful for that. I'm thankful to be learning so much of the inner workings. I'm thankful to be learning how to interact with Donors and handle that side of non-profit life. I'm thankful that I'm being challenged and that the work I'm doing isn't super easy. I'm thankful that I'm being given so much responsibility, even though sometimes the weight of everything makes me want to break down and cry.

I'm thankful that this job is making me stronger.

I'm also thankful for the hard parts. For the not-so easy things. For the housemates who have different worldviews. For the coworkers who do things SO differently. For the roommate who has her opinions. For the long hours and huge tasks.

Yes, it's hard.
Yes, I'm tired.
Yes, I don't have any personal space.
Yes, I don't see eye-to-eye with everyone.
Yes, I want to cry right now.

But it's making me stronger. This is real life. This isn't college, this isn't a dead-end job. There isn't a promise of employment at the end of the Fellowship, but there is the promise that it is preparing me for something else. For something bigger. This is preparing me for the job(s) I want. This is preparing me for what changing the world is really like. It isn't easy and it isn't all rainbows and hugs and smiling children. Changing the world, fighting injustice...is hard. It takes 100% of you, 100% of the time.

But it's worth it. Every tear I hold back, every night I stay up late, every meal I don't have time to eat, being away from loved ones, not having personal space: it's worth it. I'm making a difference. I'm fighting the injustice. I'm stepping into my calling. I'm fighting modern-day slavery, one seemingly meaningless task at a time. I'm fighting the darkness. It's so worth it.

snippets

we get two days out of the week to work from somewhere other than the office. whether that's home, starbucks, the beach...it's up to us, as long as we have internet and get our work done. i've taken these days as an opportunity to explore. so far i've only really explored HMB, but up next? i take on SF. 

speaking of exploration: there is a bionafied wilderness behind my house. i nearly stepped on a snake on a morning hike last weekend! there is so much nature and beauty all around, i need to not let my love of the ocean distract me from the woods, and how soothing exploring the woods can be.

honey nut cheerios and a white peach. nom.

if anyone would like to buy me a boat to sail on the sea with, i'd happily accept. 

also, if someone would like to teach me how to sail said boat, that'd be grand also.

my favorite new bench, overlooking the entire HMB harbor. peaceful and refreshing.

this morning i got to worship with the body of believers at Reality SF. it felt more like home than the majority of churches i've been to, even those i've attended for extended periods. i'm stoked to be serving at RSF, and i'm really excited for how God is going to use this season with that body. i think great things are being set in motion. 

week one

i'm one week in! 

i've been in HMB since Saturday, and it has been crazy. like, cray-cray. for real.

in case you missed it, i'm currently participating in the Fellowship program with Not For Sale. NFS is an NGO working to fight modern-day slavery and human trafficking around the world. they are frickin sweet. please, please google them.

i've spent the last few days learning so so so SO much. the history of NFS, their platforms, upcoming projects, the ins-and-outs of the office, all about the staff, all about human trafficking...SO MUCH.

my brain was on overdrive aaaallllll week long. we trained all day on monday, and then were given research assignments that evening. the next two days were spent researching for 12 hours each day, as well as training even more. the insane researching and preparation cumulated in 20 minute presentations to our fellowship class. what a clever way of making us learn all this stuff, instead of just talking at us, they have us do the work and learn it for ourselves. bravo.

thursday night was spent helping set-up and run the San Francisco launch party for NFS's newest project, REBBL. REBBL is a tonic beverage made completely ethically by farmers in Peru. no middle men, no backhanded deals, no forced labor. REBBL stands for Roots, Extracts, Berries, Bark and Leaves. healthy and fresh, and it's HELPING END SLAVERY! hollerrrrr.

the launch party was such a hit, we raised around $2,000 for REBBL, sold lots of t-shirts, and got people pumped on the movement! aaaaand i got to man the photobooth. sick life. it was incredible to be a part of something so revolutionary. and it's only my first week! 

next up? our last housemate arrives from the UK tomorrow, working in the Not For Sale Freedom Store this weekend, hopefully visiting Reality SF on Sunday, and starting working on our platforms Monday! 

I'm stoked to have finished this first week, and to be starting real work on Monday. 

[side note: i feel like this post is all kinds of happy and excited. let me be frank. it ain't all sunshine and daisies and unicorns. some of this has sucked and there are things that are really hard and i've almost cried at least four times and living in this house is going to be wicked hard. but i don't care about any of that. because i really feel like i'm stepping into something really important. i'm stepping into the path God has for me and while it may only be for this season, i'm stoked out of my miiiiiind about what i'm taking part in. i'll probably cry a lot, want to yell at people even more. but hopefully, by the grace of God, i won't. hopefully, by the grace of God, i'll focus on the good and exciting things. that's my goal.]

also, here's hoping i start blogging regularly! :)

new.

i got a job. a new job! an unpaid job. but a new job!

i'm moving! in about two months. wow wow wow.

i'm thrilled about the opportunity i've been given to work with the incredible non profit that is Not For Sale. i'm stoked to work alongside such driven and passionate people. i'm excited to move somewhere different and try something new.

i'm also terrified. i'm scared to move away. i'm scared to do something all by myself. i'm scared that it's only six months, what should i do after that? i'm scared and nervous.

a sweet friend and i talked this morning about how easily we lose sight of the little, present joys in life because we get so caught up in the future or the past.

i may be afraid, but my God is bigger than that. i may be afraid, but i won't let that hinder me. i may be afraid, but that ain't stopping me!

i'm so excited for something so new and different and challenging.

little bursts

here are some thoughts from the last few days. some are insightful and maybe even important, others are trivial and sillier than this song.

> i get annoyed with the cliches that people toss my way, and that i find for myself, but really, cliches are true, and they're good. as long as we don't settle for just the phrase, but seek to live it out.

> i got accepted to serve with a ministry in quito, ecuador. i'm most likely moving there in july. WAIT, WHAT

> i get caught up in wanting to make a big difference in the world that i lose sight of what's in front of me. i lose sight of the fact that a smile and a conversation and a hug can make a difference in one person's life, which is making a difference in the world. it doesn't have to be all big and facebook-status-worthy things.

> i'm so thankful for the community at reality santa barbara, even though i'm not super plugged in. i feel a sense of belonging and family regardless of my level of involvement.

> i'm so tired of drama. i'm twenty-three. isn't it time for us to grow up and move on? have conversations like adults?

> at the same time, i don't want to grow up. i like having fun and being silly. i'm not ready for a big girl job, and even though i'm heading in that direction, i don't think i'll ever really grow up.

> i need to learn how to finish a book, instead of starting a new one and abandoning the previous one half way through. i think i have commitment issues.

> i'm jealous of my friends' big kid jobs, but at the same time, i know i'm not designed for a 9 to 5 office job. at least, not one that i'm not super passionate about. i'd rather work at starbucks or have an unpaid internship and be broke than work a desk job because i feel like i need to have a "stable job"

> boys are silly and i don't understand.

> i'm excited for whatever adventure i go on next, because then i'll be able to blog about adventures. i only have so many adventures here.

the good

"the good is the enemy of the best"

i've been settling for mediocrity. i've been settling for what's in front of me, for what's comfortable. i've been settling for the easy route. i've been settling for the good, when i'm capable of the best.

i think we all do this. here's how it looks for me: i talk about all the things that i want to do with my life. i want to save orphans. i want to feed the hungry. i want to bring the gospel to all the ends of the earth. i want to love people. i want to be Jesus' hands and feet. i want to make a difference. i want to change the world. i talk and talk and talk about it. everyone knows, everyone expects great things from me. i wear my passion and my heart on my sleeve, but i never get my sleeves dirty. i never stick in and get my hands dirty to actually make a difference. i say i'll do it. i remind myself that i'm young, i have time. so i settle. i tell myself that one day i'll go do something. one day i'll have enough money, or the right opportunity.

i'm good at pretending like i'm good at waiting, but really i'm really impatient. i'm terrible at waiting because i'm bursting at the seams to make a difference. i'm itching to go out into the world and do something worthwhile. after waiting for too long, i grow too comfortable, and i start to get scared about stepping out of my comfort zone, scared to take the leap that i was itching to take just weeks earlier.

this phrase, "the good is the enemy of the best" is incredible. i heard it in an interview with a non-profit for their fellowship program. this non-profit is full of people who are passionate and driven and who go above and beyond the call of duty, trying to make a difference in the world. trying to end modern day slavery. they work overtime. they lose sleep. they work their asses off, fighting for justice and a better way of life. they won't settle for the good. the good is what keeps us from going after the best.

i know that my personal worth and value isn't based on what i do, but on who i am, and how i do what i do. God doesn't look down on me for waiting in this season. but i know that He has designed me for more, and that the passion inside me is straight from Him. He wouldn't have lit the fire in me if He didn't want to me to tend to it.

so i'm going to stop waiting and stop being afraid and i'm going to take the leap. i'm not sure where, hopefully i'll know in the next week or so. but it's a step by step process. it isn't a one-time thing. adventure after adventure, that's what my life will be. i'm excited to keep seeking after the best, and not settling for just the good.

perspective

i'm okay.
i'm alright.

i mean, seriously.
i'm fine.

wait, no, not fine. i hate the word fine. fine is a cover, a mask, a wall. fine is what i say to people i don't want to let in. fine is what i say to people who don't really care. fine is the bullshit i tell myself. fine is my least favorite word.

but i'm okay.
i'm alright.
i'm hanging in there.

i hate getting caught up in my own self-pity and the drama of my silly, superficial life. i'm so tired of worrying about whether i made someone's latte just right, of worrying about if my yoga pants are giving a guy friend the wrong impression, of worrying if my friends value our friendship as much as i do, of worrying about whether i'm wasting my life away by not being somewhere doing something important.

worrying is like a rocking chair. you feel like you're moving, but you're really stuck in one spot. you'll never make progress if you don't stop rocking and get up.

i know that where i'm at isn't where i'm meant to be, forever. but it's where i'm supposed to be now.

i'm growing and i'm learning and yes, i'm not loving every minute of it, but i'm looking for the good and the lesson in every experience. even if it is something as small and silly as "hey, not every latte is perfect, don't beat yourself up".

i don't know why i feel the need to blog. i really don't. but here i am. first post in several months. i'm in the same place i was before. well, physically. but emotionally, spiritually, mentally...i'm in a completely different place. i'm moving forward. i'm growing. it may not be noticeable to the rest of the world, but it's true. it's happening. soon i'll start moving forward physically too. i'll embark on a new adventure. but until that day, i'll keep moving forward in other ways. and i won't worry that people think i'm slacking or wasting time. i won't worry what people think, period. i'll do what i can, and that's all i can hope to do. and that's alright with me.