lately

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about joy. About what joy really is, what it really means to be joyful, and how my joy is different than anyone else's. We are all unique creations, and therefore experience joy in equally unique ways.

Joy has been on my mind because I have been lacking it, lately. I can feel it, deep down, like a tiny drum beating. But in the last month, that drum has gotten quieter and quieter, with the beat slowing down. My joy has been dwindling, and I've been wondering why.

Actually, I've known why. But I've been wondering why I've let it get so bad. Here's what I've realized:

I quit my job yesterday. It's no secret that I really did not like that job. "Really did not like" isn't a strong enough phrase, if I'm honest, I really hated it. More then any job prior. Every little thing about it added up to be this beast that I couldn't tame. This beast that I couldn't beat or befriend. This beast that stole my time, my energy, my joy. It crushed my spirit and made fun of the remnants.

I know, I know, it wasn't really that bad. There wasn't one major thing that made it so terrible. I tried to like it, and when I couldn't like it, I prayed for it to be my mission field. Because obviously, if I was in that position, then God had me there for a reason. But I don't believe that the reason was so I could evangelize and convert every single employee there. That would have been incredible, and the Holy Spirit totally could have done it, but I really don't believe that was it.
I believe I was there, for a brief time, to be a small light in the darkness. To be kind and loving to customers, to be kind and loving to coworkers. To have grace in the face of rude comments, angry rants, gossip and slander. Not to reprimand, but not to participate. Sometimes I failed at that, but I tried. I tried to be respectful, in an effort to remind those coworkers that everyone deserves equal respect. I think a lot of my efforts fell on deaf ears, and by the end, I stopped engaging in certain conversations, knowing whatever I said would lead to yet another "joke" in a string of rude, disrespectful comments. By the end of my time in that position, I stayed quiet, and I prayed. It was all I could do.

My last day was Saturday, and I really feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I am free. And while it may feel overly dramatic, I have felt so weighed down, so out of sorts, so joyless, that walking out the door after my last shift was a huge breath of fresh air--it took everything in me not to dance and cheer on the way out.

Today in church, Britt spoke about being led by the Holy Spirit, and how often, God is found, heard and speaks in the most ordinary moments. He doesn't always speak to us loudly, or lead us into big, crazy things. He entrusts us with little things, because he who is faithful with little will be entrusted with much. We need to be patient, to seek the Lord, to delight in Him, to ask questions and wait on His timing.

I know that God could have done radical things through me at this last job, had I stayed. But I know that He loves me, and that He doesn't want to see me hurting. That job taught me things, and through it He broke me of some idols I'd been clinging to. But He's brought me out of it, and I'm about to step into a new job, a new setting, and I'm excited. Excited for something new, but more so excited for what God will do in, through, and around me in this new place.

A weight has been lifted, and I feel the drum beating faster and faster, louder and louder. I am being refilled, restored. He who began good works in me will be faithful to finish them. God only makes beautiful things, and he is continually rebuilding and restoring us into the beautiful creations He envisioned. I am being filled. I am being consumed by Him, by grace, by joy.

seasons

Sometimes life is hard, it's hard to trust that God is with me. Sometimes it can be really, really hard. Really lonely. Exhausting, trying to have hope and faith.

It can be hard to remember that God is truly good. Not because of anything He does, but because the noise of the world can be so much louder than His still, small voice.

From the outside, life looks good. Full time job, above minimum wage pay, loving home, caring friends. I have my freedom, more than so many can say. I have a roof over my head, more food than I could ever need. I'm good.

But I think because so many things are seemingly perfect and good, I expect everything to be that way. I have grown selfish, expecting more than I need. Expecting everything to be perfect. I want what I want and expect to get it. I expected to get a sick job right out of my internships and then to make enough money to get an apartment right away... but I forgot something.

I forgot that life isn't about me. The world doesn't revolve around me. Things don't exist just to make me happy. I'm not the center of the universe, making myself happy isn't the point of my existence, or anyone else's existence. It isn't about me.

Life can be hard, and I'm realizing that it's ok if life is hard. My life may look fine, but it can be hard. We all experience our own hardships, and that's ok. It's ok to feel what I'm feeling, to struggle. I shouldn't feel guilty about being upset with how life is going. I need to let these growing pains come and I need to work through them. If I want to live my life for Jesus, in step with the Holy Spirit, then I'll continually be growing. And growth requires growing pains, and that's ok.

There's a time for laughter and joy and easy living, and there's a time for mourning and growing pains and tears. No seasons is exempt from either, and there is a beauty in all of it. The beauty that Christ is with me no matter what, even if I can't hear Him. No matter how far away I turn, no matter how far I fall, He's there. No matter what, no matter what season I'm in, He's there. My comfort. Always.

So here's to a season of growing pains, of letting go of bitterness and false expectations, of surrendering the idols I've made of career and success, of trusting the process, and of clinging to Jesus.