The best way to describe the last few weeks: indescribable.
I know, I know, that's cheating. But really, it's the most accurate description. I can't begin to describe or understand the significance of everything I've experienced, learned, done. The weeks before Global Forum were some of the busiest of my life, and I don't even understand why I loved it so much. The pressure and responsibility required of us was such that it broke some, and others rose to the occasion. I didn't feel like an intern, I felt like part of the team.
(speaking of the team, here's some of them! great, brilliant people)
Now that Global Forum is over, I don't even know what to do. I have THREE WEEKS left in the Fellowship. THREE. I mean, what the hell? When did that happen? How have I been doing this for five months already? I don't feel like I've learned enough, I don't feel like I've experienced everything there is to experience. I'm running out of time and while I feel like I have made the most of my experience, I feel like there is still so much left to do.
I feel like I'm graduating from APU all over again. I don't know what I want to do, where I'll live. I don't have a job lined up yet, and I've sent my resume and cover letter out to at least seven jobs in the last four days. I'm looking and not finding anything. I wonder if I don't want to find anything. Maybe I'm not supposed to find something, right now.
I believe that God has complete control over my life, and that He has a beautiful plan for what is next. I believe in His faithfulness, and I am trying so hard to trust in Him. But here's the thing. I don't want to just go back to Santa Barbara and work a random job until something cool comes along. I want more then that. I want to move where I'll thrive and grow and be challenged and I want to work a job that will push me to my limits. I know it'll work out. I know whatever I do next will, in time, be beneficial and incredible and a growing experience. But I want to do more than what I was doing before the Fellowship. I don't want this to have just been a break from "real life". I wanted this to be the beginning of that real life.
For now, I'll keep trusting.
I'll stop worrying (or at least, try to).
I'll keep applying for jobs.
Though I'll spend more time prayerfully considering them.
I won't get my hopes up.
But I'll keep my hope in Christ.
I'll pray for peace, for understanding.
I'll keep striving towards the goals and dreams I have.
I'll finish strong.
ps. These are the other Fellows. Sometimes they drive me insane, but I can't imagine the last five months without them. (Aren't we a good looking bunch?)
