Twinnies

A few of my favorite shots from a shoot with Heidi and Heather the other weekend. Portfolio shots for Heidi's design work, and Senior Pictures. Can't believe they graduate in about a month! 

10.10

That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds;24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfullyto your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Growing Pains & Loss.

If you were to look back through my old posts and ramblings, roughly 86% of my posts hover around transition. Around times of change and growth. And while that may get repetitive and boring and you (all two of my readers) may be wondering why I can't just move on, I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. 

I'm never going to stop growing. If I stop growing, I'm dead.

And yes, a lot of the growth I'm experiencing means learning and re-learning and re-re-learning the same lessons. But those are the hard lessons, the ones that sound sweet when you speak them into existence, but are a bitch to really learn. 

It seems like every time I blink I have a new lesson to learn, a new area I need to grow in. And every other time I blink, I'm being reminded of those lessons and that I'm still learning. Growth is a process, right?

A huge area I'm being challenged over and over again in is with relationships. Relational growth is beautiful and wonderful and so fruitful, BUT SO PAINFUL SOMETIMES. Sorry for the capslock, but that's a curse of my twitter-happy generation and how we express ourselves. Just be thankful I can't insert emojis in here. 

Wait, what was I talking about?

Right, relationships. Childhood friendships are the best, they're built into every area of life: school, activities, neighborhoods, your parents' friends. It's convenient and awesome. High school gets tricky because of certain factors (read: BOYS) but still so convenience based. I mean, between classes, dance and youth group, I had automatic friends for whatever I was doing. Some of those friendships go the distance, while others drift away after graduation.

College, you're on your own, but surrounded by literally hundreds of potential friends. You spend four years constantly making new friends. Some are your forever-and-ever, home team friends. Others are great for a season and easy to [mutually] walk away from. And then there are the ones you think will last forever. You plan on being each other's bridesmaids, taking trips together, what it'll be like to have kids and jobs and how different life will be, but how your friendship will last. And then it doesn't.

Losing friends is a hard thing to grasp. It's something that doesn't happen all at once, but gradually. You move away, your priorities change, you drift apart. It's completely natural, but no matter how many people warn you, you'll never be prepared. You can cling so tightly to those relationships, but if they are meant to be forever, they'll be forever. Yes, they take work, but equal work from both parties--you'll strangle your side trying to hold on if they don't reciprocate.

Relationships are something we put so much into. So much of life involves interacting with other people. The Christian life is something lived in community. But relationships are not a static thing, they are organic and natural and constantly changing. Relational growing pains are so hard, but produce such beautiful fruit. (I promise I'm not talking about marriage and sex and babies here, I'm being much more metaphorical than that...Promise)

24 is a weird age and a weird place in life. "Your 20s" looks different for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US. Our growth looks different, our challenges are different. We hurt differently, but we need each other so deeply, so desperately. Community, y'all. It's a buzzword for a reason. 

I'm never going to stop growing, and while I hope I finally learn some lessons, and that those lessons resonate deep, I also hope that I continue to be challenged. I don't want to grow stagnant. I don't want to stop growing. 

This probably makes no sense, but I'm just realizing lately how hard friendships can be, how hard your 20s can be, and how beautiful it can be if you keep your head up and stay strong. I've lost some wonderful friends, but have made some incredible new ones. There is an ebb and flow to life, and it's probably best to go with the flow and let yourself grow. 

lately

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about joy. About what joy really is, what it really means to be joyful, and how my joy is different than anyone else's. We are all unique creations, and therefore experience joy in equally unique ways.

Joy has been on my mind because I have been lacking it, lately. I can feel it, deep down, like a tiny drum beating. But in the last month, that drum has gotten quieter and quieter, with the beat slowing down. My joy has been dwindling, and I've been wondering why.

Actually, I've known why. But I've been wondering why I've let it get so bad. Here's what I've realized:

I quit my job yesterday. It's no secret that I really did not like that job. "Really did not like" isn't a strong enough phrase, if I'm honest, I really hated it. More then any job prior. Every little thing about it added up to be this beast that I couldn't tame. This beast that I couldn't beat or befriend. This beast that stole my time, my energy, my joy. It crushed my spirit and made fun of the remnants.

I know, I know, it wasn't really that bad. There wasn't one major thing that made it so terrible. I tried to like it, and when I couldn't like it, I prayed for it to be my mission field. Because obviously, if I was in that position, then God had me there for a reason. But I don't believe that the reason was so I could evangelize and convert every single employee there. That would have been incredible, and the Holy Spirit totally could have done it, but I really don't believe that was it.
I believe I was there, for a brief time, to be a small light in the darkness. To be kind and loving to customers, to be kind and loving to coworkers. To have grace in the face of rude comments, angry rants, gossip and slander. Not to reprimand, but not to participate. Sometimes I failed at that, but I tried. I tried to be respectful, in an effort to remind those coworkers that everyone deserves equal respect. I think a lot of my efforts fell on deaf ears, and by the end, I stopped engaging in certain conversations, knowing whatever I said would lead to yet another "joke" in a string of rude, disrespectful comments. By the end of my time in that position, I stayed quiet, and I prayed. It was all I could do.

My last day was Saturday, and I really feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I am free. And while it may feel overly dramatic, I have felt so weighed down, so out of sorts, so joyless, that walking out the door after my last shift was a huge breath of fresh air--it took everything in me not to dance and cheer on the way out.

Today in church, Britt spoke about being led by the Holy Spirit, and how often, God is found, heard and speaks in the most ordinary moments. He doesn't always speak to us loudly, or lead us into big, crazy things. He entrusts us with little things, because he who is faithful with little will be entrusted with much. We need to be patient, to seek the Lord, to delight in Him, to ask questions and wait on His timing.

I know that God could have done radical things through me at this last job, had I stayed. But I know that He loves me, and that He doesn't want to see me hurting. That job taught me things, and through it He broke me of some idols I'd been clinging to. But He's brought me out of it, and I'm about to step into a new job, a new setting, and I'm excited. Excited for something new, but more so excited for what God will do in, through, and around me in this new place.

A weight has been lifted, and I feel the drum beating faster and faster, louder and louder. I am being refilled, restored. He who began good works in me will be faithful to finish them. God only makes beautiful things, and he is continually rebuilding and restoring us into the beautiful creations He envisioned. I am being filled. I am being consumed by Him, by grace, by joy.

seasons

Sometimes life is hard, it's hard to trust that God is with me. Sometimes it can be really, really hard. Really lonely. Exhausting, trying to have hope and faith.

It can be hard to remember that God is truly good. Not because of anything He does, but because the noise of the world can be so much louder than His still, small voice.

From the outside, life looks good. Full time job, above minimum wage pay, loving home, caring friends. I have my freedom, more than so many can say. I have a roof over my head, more food than I could ever need. I'm good.

But I think because so many things are seemingly perfect and good, I expect everything to be that way. I have grown selfish, expecting more than I need. Expecting everything to be perfect. I want what I want and expect to get it. I expected to get a sick job right out of my internships and then to make enough money to get an apartment right away... but I forgot something.

I forgot that life isn't about me. The world doesn't revolve around me. Things don't exist just to make me happy. I'm not the center of the universe, making myself happy isn't the point of my existence, or anyone else's existence. It isn't about me.

Life can be hard, and I'm realizing that it's ok if life is hard. My life may look fine, but it can be hard. We all experience our own hardships, and that's ok. It's ok to feel what I'm feeling, to struggle. I shouldn't feel guilty about being upset with how life is going. I need to let these growing pains come and I need to work through them. If I want to live my life for Jesus, in step with the Holy Spirit, then I'll continually be growing. And growth requires growing pains, and that's ok.

There's a time for laughter and joy and easy living, and there's a time for mourning and growing pains and tears. No seasons is exempt from either, and there is a beauty in all of it. The beauty that Christ is with me no matter what, even if I can't hear Him. No matter how far away I turn, no matter how far I fall, He's there. No matter what, no matter what season I'm in, He's there. My comfort. Always.

So here's to a season of growing pains, of letting go of bitterness and false expectations, of surrendering the idols I've made of career and success, of trusting the process, and of clinging to Jesus.

Places & Memories

Today, it caught me off guard. The smells, the sounds, the air. Everything about Barrio Logan wasn't like usual. It wasn't the Barrio Logan I've come to know. It was something different. Familiar. Sentimental. Heart wrenching.

In the few feet from one office door to the other, I was transported from Barrio Logan to the Blanco township in George, South Africa. My senses took me on a journey that left me winded, shocked and with tears forming. 

It caught me off guard because, at first, I didn't realize what was so familiar and special about it. I couldn't remember what it reminded me of. It's almost been two years since that trip to the Rainbow Nation, how have I forgotten so much? How have I forgotten those smells and sights and that feeling of hopelessness mingled with bittersweet joy? 

There are clouds in the air, with a slight humidity and the hope that the sun will come out in the early afternoon. Cars drive by adjacent streets, there was a honking horn and the whirr of a motorcycle far away. Men talk on the corner across the street, and a mother is walking several children to school. Their clothes are a little too big, same with their backpacks. An amputee with his pomeranian passes in his wheelchair, and a young lady sits against the fence across the street, watching him pass.There is little river forming by the building, where a drain pipe empties out onto the sidewalk. It runs to the street, and while the water is clean, the ground is not. There is a smell wafting, a mixture of gasoline, urine and body odor, and the faint salty breeze from the nearby harbor. 

Barrio Logan isn't the same as Blanco. But there are so many similarities, and when I look at this neighborhood, really look at it, the similarities are overwhelming. How have I spent four months working every day in this place and not seen it as such? I've approached it as a place I have to be in, one to be cautious and apprehensive towards. One where blood stains on the sidewalk from a stabbing are gross, not heartbreaking. Where a mentally unstable man talking to himself is to be avoided, not prayed for. I've approached it with a glass is half empty mentality, no, more of a glass is all the way empty mentality.

While Barrio Logan is still broken, it isn't beyond hope. I should treat it as Blanco, or the Tenderloin, or Skid Row-- praying for it. Praying that Jesus will take hold of this neighborhood, filling it with His servants who will manifest His light and hope in the darkness. Praying that hope will rise and His people here will know Him. Praying that, even though my time left here is short, that He will use me in this mission.

Thinking of Blanco and the people there who captured my heart, and thinking of Barrio Logan and the people here who need love and kindness and Jesus too.

Walk in Love

In case you missed the memo, I live in a house with 25 other people. Yes, you read that correctly. Twenty-five. 25 people from different places. 25 people from different cultures. 25 people with completely different life experiences. 25 people with different worldviews. 25 people that I get to do life with, which, much like our house, has become a beautiful and messy experience.

I've been in this environment for about three and a half months now. For almost the entirety of that time, I have been trying to love these people. Each and every one of them. Because obviously God brought me to this internship and this home so that I can love them, right? I've tried and tried to love them, even when it's hard. I've tried to love them through random acts of kindness, like washing everyone's dishes or cleaning the kitchen or washing the couch cover. I've tried to love them through words of affirmation, through compliments and loving words. I've tried everything, and it hasn't been easy. In fact, it's gotten harder. But I've tried.

And that, I just realized, is the problem.

I've been trying. I, me, have been trying. I have had to try to love some of these people. It isn't easy. It's something I have had to remind myself to do. I've had to try.

If I'm truly loving them, loving them with the love of Christ that is in me, then I shouldn't have to try, right? It should flow out of me. I shouldn't even have to think about it, Christ's self-sacrificial love should radiate out of every pore.

Except I think I haven't been loving with Christ's love. At least, not lately. I've been loving with a "I'm doing this to bless others in hopes that they'll notice and affirm and love me more" kind of love. Which is not the way Christ loves.

Christ loves perfectly. God loves us SO much that He sent His perfect Son to die for us. I know that, but do I really understand it? Do I really fathom that the God of the universe sent His ONLY Son to die for ME? For my sins, for my mistakes, for my brokenness and stubbornness and consistently shitty behavior. He died to us. All of us. Me included. And because I believe in Him, I believe this, I have been saved. I have been redeemed. He has rescued me and saved me and He loves me. Not because of what I can give Him, not because of what I do for Him, but because He does. His love is completely perfect and self-giving and there is nothing I can do to deserve it, to pay Him back for it, to justify it. He sacrificed Himself because He loves me. God loves me because I am His cherished daughter, His messy little creation, His princess. I didn't earn that, I didn't do anything to merit receiving that. It is just because He loves me.

THAT is self-giving, truly self-sacrificial love. That is Christ.

That's how I want to love. I want to love like He loves.

But I can't try to love that way. It isn't something you can try and do. It's something that just... happens.

Lazo spoke about this at Reality the other week, that our ability to truly love others is directly proportionate to our relationship with God, to the degree we are experiencing Him. When we are in deep, intimate, true, beautiful relationship with Him, we love more easily. It flows out of us as easily as we breathe.

When we are with Christ, truly with Him, then we truly imitate Him. He radiates through us, and loving others because we love them, not because we want something from them, comes naturally.

This last week I have been brought to my last nerve with some of my sweet housemates. Little annoyances have reached a new high, and it has become increasingly hard to love, let alone be friends. I have three weeks left here. That is just enough time to tune out, to focus on what is next and stop caring. But I don't want that to happen. I want these next three weeks to be some of the best. I want to make the most of it.

Instead of trying harder, my goal is this: to press into Jesus.
Instead of praying for God to help me love, my prayer will be this: Lord, show me more of You.

I want to walk in love, but not just general love, but Christ's love. I want to walk in love, side by side with my God.

goals & things

As my time at IC is wrapping up, I’m obviously thinking about what’s next. And by obviously thinking about it, I mean obsessing and stressing on the daily. But that’s another blog for another day.

Today, I’m thinking about what’s next, and setting goals. Goals that I can strive towards no matter where I am or what I’m doing. Goals that I want to be intentional about, and goals that I want to achieve.

1.    Invest in relationships

I want to stop taking people for granted. I want to invest in the friendships I have, in the loved ones around me. I want to be an equal partner in those relationships, around for the good and the bad. I want my relationships to be more than a few hours when I’m visiting for a weekend. Even if they are long distance, I want to participate and not take them for granted.

2.    Do work I love

      Whether it is the job I’m doing, or pursuing passion projects on the side, I want to love what I’m doing. If I don’t love what I’m doing, instead of quitting, I want to first change my attitude towards it.

3.    Make my house my home

Home is more than a house, but also more than a state of mind. I want to be content and find rest in the place I’m in, and that starts by treating it as home.

4.    Save for my future… and for slightly irresponsible adventures

I want to be responsible and self-sufficient. But at the same time, I am only 24, and if I want to go to New York City for a week or drive to LA three weekends in a row, than I will. It may not be wise to take a trip to Hawaii with some girlfriends, but it is good for the soul, which is responsible enough for me.

5.    Read more

I really hate how much TV I watch. I love stories, and want to consume them through literature, not media. Maybe I read Mindy Kaling’s biography, or Anna Karenina. Doesn’t matter what I’m reading, just that I am.

6.    Commit

      I can be a very wishy-washy twenty-something. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, so I avoid investing in what I am doing. I want to commit. Maybe I’m working at a coffee shop and nannying, but I want to commit to that work. I want to commit to the community I’m in, to the things I’m doing, and to what the Lord has called me into.

7.    Pray

This is a life goal that should always be on my list. Pray more. Pray every day. Pray without ceasing.

8.    Give back

Though I can’t work for every organization I’ve interned for, I can support them. $5 a month can do so much, and I can live making my own coffee instead of buying overpriced lattes. I want to give back and continue to support the missions of the organizations I love.

9.    Mentor

Reinvest in my former students and invest in new ones. Youth ministry is so dear to my heart, and always will be. I’ve been lost without it this last year, and am eager to start again.

10.  Yoga

It sounds silly, but I really enjoy yoga, and want to make it my practice. Sub-goal: master crow and bird of paradise.

11. Love where I’m at, and who I’m with

Self-explanatory, really, but I want to love the place God has me in. I want to love tangibly, not just theoretically. Love is an action, not just a thought.

12. Act: don’t just try, but do

This is the goal that sums up the rest of my goals: I want to actually do these things, not just say I will. I don’t want it to end up being November and I haven’t done anything on here, or have started and then failed to finish. These are consistent goals, without real deadlines, so I want to commit to doing them. I really want to yoda the shit out of these goals, “there is no try, only do”.

As I move into my last month at IC, I want to begin stepping into these goals. I can love where I’m at right now, I can invest in the relationships around me now, I can practice yoga more, I can read more. As for what I can’t do this second, I can start figuring out what that will look like in this next season.

I kind of hate transition, but also think I’m addicted to change. Oops.

once again

I'm not even going to talk about how bad I am at blogging. I start to blog consistently, then I realize half the time I'm not saying the cool and profound things I want to be saying, and the other half of the time the things I am saying aren't nearly as cool and profound as I think they are. Then I try to sound cooler and more intelligent and wittier and I end up sounding like a trying-to-be-trendy-and-hipster-wannabe. Like I read one too many Shauna Niequist and Donald Miller books and now think I need to write just like them, but I can't.

I should just write like me.

Actually, I shouldn't write like me. I should just be me.

By being me, my blog will be a product of me. I won't be trying to make it more than it is, because I won't be trying to be something I'm not. It will be an extension of myself. My genuine thoughts, which some of the time really are cool and profound.

So here we go. Again. Really, again again. I've tried this before, and it never lasts. So, instead of trying to make it last and become something really incredible, I'm going to let it be what it is. I'm going to be me, and part of being me is writing when I need to. But it's also taking pictures if I need, or drawing, or dancing, or not creating at all. I'll do what I do and that'll be enough.

Except, while I'm being me, I am going to try and push myself out of my comfort zones. That may be through more vulnerable posts, or through poetry, or video...I want to push my creativity to a new level. Actually, I just want to bring it back to what it once was, and then push it past there. Starting with writing.

Adventure is out there, and I can't wait to create and be inspired by it.