the waiting game

I’ve realized something. I’m incredibly impatient. I’ve actually known this for a long time, but now I realize that I’m not the only one. We are an incredibly impatient generation. If we have to slow down below 75 on the freeway we freak out. If the barista takes more than 2 minutes to get our venti quad skinny vanilla latte, we get annoyed. We avoid Costco on Saturdays like the plague, and don’t even think about asking us to go to the DMV. If YouTube has to buffer while loading our weekly Jenna Marbles video, we get pissy. We aren’t happy with our 4G smart phones, give us 20G if it means it’ll be faster. We know what we want, and we want it NOW.

We have this same mentality when it comes to missions. We go somewhere and we preach at people, telling them about Jesus and how He died to save them and how all they have to do is pray a 30 second prayer and then ta-da, they’re a Christian and life is good. We bring them food and clothes and shoes and books. We build houses and wells and schools, we paint and clean and do all kinds of stuff. We take pictures of the people and their homes without really learning their names, their language or their stories.

I have a big problem with being patient. Meaning that I’m not patient. This is something that God has been teaching me, and let me tell you, it’s not a quick lesson. I’ve been learning it for over 2 years now, and I’m sure I’ll continue learning it for years to come. Sometimes it’s easy to grasp, and other times it’s almost like God is beating me upside the head with it. But patience is something I need desperately to learn, because in the end, life isn’t about my timing—it’s about God’s.

I came back from South Africa with a lot of hopes and dreams. They didn’t have details, but I was confident that God has called me back to South Africa, and possibly to other areas of the world to work with people. I came back on June 15^th, and if I could have, I would have gotten on a plane to go back on June 16^th. Only problem was that God gave me clear, simple instructions: “Wait, child.”

Damn it.

I hate waiting. I am part of this gotta-have-it-now generation. I get antsy in long lines, I don’t want to live in LA because I don’t like traffic…I just hate waiting. It goes hand in hand with my lack of patience.

I learned a lot about missions while in South Africa, particularly about how God’s timing is so much better than mine could ever be. One night in a team meeting, Johnny was saying that he felt frustrated that we didn’t know Afrikaans, because we couldn’t really share the gospel with the kids in Blanco or whomever we met. We talked about how maybe sharing the gospel in this setting is something we weren’t supposed to do with our words, but with our actions. “Preach the gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words.” Learning to be Jesus’ hands and feet in a tangible way, that sort of thing. This didn’t settle all of Johnny’s frustrations, but it did help me to realize something: God doesn’t need us to make Himself known. He doesn’t need us to preach the gospel to people. He could do it without us. But He chooses to include us, to call us. We are just vessels for Him to use. On top of that, we are broken vessels. But God will use us in mighty ways for His purpose. Maybe that means preaching to hundreds of people. Maybe it means having a single conversation with a single person. Maybe it means not even using words, but holding a hurting child and praying over them, even though they don’t understand what you’re saying. God’s ways are SO much higher than ours, and His timing is so much better.

All of this to say, missions isn’t something you can do without patience. You’ll get frustrated and burn out if you try and do missions, or ministry in general, without patience. And sure, we aren’t going to be patience at all times. We’ll get frustrated and impatient, probably a lot. But we have to trust that, though we may not see “results”, that doesn’t mean God isn’t working. Just because we didn’t lead someone through that prayer doesn’t mean God isn’t doing stuff in his or her heart. Missions isn’t conducive with our gotta-have-it-now mentality.

God has called me to wait. This is possibly the hardest thing He’s ever told me to do. It’s incredibly hard to sit and watch everyone around me getting cool jobs, moving away, working abroad, getting married. I want my dream job now. Maybe my dream job could even take me abroad? Getting married…yes, I want that. But that can wait. It’s hard to watch everything happening for everyone and to be….living at home, working at Starbucks. I’m not planning on getting an apartment in town (partially because I can’t afford it, partially because I don’t want to get stuck). I’m praying for direction, looking at options, and waiting on the Lord.

And I was fine with this. More than fine, I was actually stoked. God was showing me a lot and helping me to work through some of my personal demons. I was growing in my relationship with Him leaps and bounds. It was great!

But then people started asking me what I’m doing. They started asking “well, what’s next?” That’s where doubt creeps in. I seriously hate that the enemy works in such sneaky ways, like through doubt and fear. I began doubting God’s calling, doubting that I was doing the right thing in waiting. I started to freak out and question everything.

I’m confident that God has GREAT BIG AWESOME EPIC AMAZING WILD CRAZY plans for me. I am seriously beyond excited for what He has in store. But I’m also learning to be patient and be stoked for what He’s doing now. I won’t let doubt sabotage the growth and trust He’s been developing in me. I won’t let the lies that society throws at me stick, and I will trust that He has me waiting for a reason.

This time has been incredibly hard, and I knew it would be. And I know it will continue to be. But it has also been incredibly sweet. And I know it will continue to be sweet as well.